My fellow Pilgrims, Brothers and Brians in Cricket.

“We Flippin’ Murdered ’em.” (Canon D Lloyd (Book of Bumble: Chapter 4 Verse 17)

I have chosen the text for my sermon today to be the Report of The Tabard Pilgrims against Oakley on Sunday, June 10, 2007. An uneducated eye might misconstrue the records as showing that the Pilgrims made history by losing twice in one day.

Closer scrutiny would reveal much evidence to suggest, as the learned cricket scholar Lloyd and most politicians would, that the result could be seen as quite other (if one applies a little faith): technically six Pilgrims (Oakley were three short) were on a winning team at some point during the day. Anyone blessed with the rudiments of mathematics and logic can see that six out of 11 is a majority.

“O Penthouse, Penthouse, wherefore art thou Penthouse? Ibiza...” (Rev W Shakespeare [adapted] Book of Cricket Quotes: Chapter 17 Verse 8)

There was a touch of otherworldliness about the Oakley pitch, as if time had stopped at a crossroads of past inter-wicket battles. Cricketing spirits, loitering in that great pavilion in the clouds, took advantage of the temporal rift, balmy weather conditions, unwillingness of Frodo, The Bishop and Egon to represent any team that didn’t begin with the letters ‘TPCC’ and swooped to wreak their merry havoc.

In seven overs it was all over: the cataclysmic destruction of the top and middle batting order by Oakley’s opening bowler (and another, who modesty and a large fine forbids me to mention by name).

Some fought valiantly to maintain control of their cricketing selves better than others: Frodo notably by volunteering to play for the opposition, deliberately dropping the Kommander and not bowling. Others were not so fortunate: see above for one of them and Egon, who actually held on to a catch. Despite valiant efforts by the Pilgrims’ lower order to stave off the inevitable (Hansie and new recruit Nick Selmes’ partnership creaking us beyond our lowest ever total) the scorecard claimed the Pilgrims were all out for 51. (“Lies, damn lies and statistics.” Deacon B Disraeli, Book of Goatee Chapter 5 verse 28).

For a brief moment hope flamed in the hearts as Oakley wickets fell quickly and there was a moment the match might be turned. But 51 proved too easy a target. A decision to bat on and let the ’Grims chase the score was a little hasty as Oakley were all out for 70-odd.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no use in being a damn fool about it.” (His Grace The Very Rev W.C. Fields Book of Wit: Chapter 1 Verse 1)

And so to the second match. This time a 20-20, which ironically was the same amount of overs bowled in the previous match. A change of personnel: Clarence, Omelette and Bumpy sent in for the other(worldly) side. They too were victims of malicious cricketing ghouls, not before Farmer and Kommander had excelled with the bat (which in the Kommander’s case was evidence enough of abnormal goings-on), Clarence uncontrollably catching two of us on the boundary and Bumpy batting for more than an over.

The Pilgrims, by now suffering from heat exhaustion and distracted by smoke rising invitingly from the BBQ, had their total of 120 polished off (mostly in Kommander’s second over) with a few overs to spare. All was not in vain: the food was delicious and Lewis Hamilton won his first Grand Prix.

It is important to take heart from calamity and remain resolute in one’s cricketing fervour. It is not the batting: it is the taking part. Anyway the result(s) were clearly part of an overall plan to get all of this season’s defeats out of the way early.

Here endeth the lesson.

Man of The Match: Xero (for his heroic umpiring)