First Test Match forfeited in the history of the game... in Chipstead a batsman clearly edges the ball behind and doesn’t walk... Xero scores runs. Are these signs that the end of the world is indeed nigh?

To any conspiracy theorist worth his salt it was clear from the off that strange things were afoot in Surrey – or “Surrey actually” to give the county its correct title, as in: “I live in Surrey actually.”

Black

Black clouds hung heavy and pendulous over the sandpaper-dry wicket. Meteorologists confirmed that the inclement weather could be pinpointed to a problem area in and around the vicinity of Kommander, caused by the consumption of 15 pints of Pimms, two crates of Chateauneuf Du Piffle, three barrels of 750-year-old whisky and half of shandy at the Oval the previous day.

Such was the enormity of his hangover Bloomsbury are rumoured to be offering a six-figure advance on a three-volume biography of said affliction.

Pilgrims marched to bat only to be sent back in regular succession by a 200mph bowling machine cunningly disguised as a human being. Only Captain Penthouse remained as unruffled as Elton John’s hair and carved a flawless (except for one “silly shot really”) 90 and to push the score to 168 all out.

Revelations

The first ripple of Revelations-style pandemonium came towards the end if the innings when Xero scored runs – and not just a single: he also hit an actual boundary to reach a vertigo-inducing nine not out.

Our hosts made a steady start but were cut down to size by an imperious bowling performance by Farmer (who ended with a six for) bowling banana-like deliveries that made the job of a batsman almost pointless, without needing to resort to “alleged” ball tampering (to be honest the pitch did it for us).

Diabolic

Then one of their batsmen (who shall not be named, but I am sure his boots were cloven and horns poked out from his helmet) began to wreak havoc with the only shot in his armoury: the long-on hack, which sent the ball into the next county. His diabolic nature only became clear when he edged (or practically hit) the ball into Moggie’s gloves. The shot could be heard around the world... but he refused to walk. He clearly used his evil powers to hypnotise the umpire into temporary deaf-and-blindness, and he remained at the crease. Farmer eventually replied with a flaming ball of justice that removed his bails.

The effects of the spell clearly remained in the area after Lucifer’s successor was twice out (according to the rules of cricket) but wasn’t actually given. He then proceeded to compile a winning innings, with shots eerily reminiscent of his master (a clear case of possession if ever I saw one). So overwhelmed by proceedings was the team that a few catches were spilled and Kommander had to lean on a fence for an entire over.

Brimstone

As we later discovered the Lord of Darkness had clearly been working his magic on Darryl Hair in the same county, the portents on that fateful day a clear indication of impending hellfire and brimstone.

Of course I might be mistaken. I doubt it as, like my good friend Michael Fish, I am never wrong...