The sleepy hampshire village of Oakley was reeling last Sunday after enduring an invasion from London for the annual Cinders match.

Hooligans masquerading as lovable, cricketing oafs the Tabard Pilgrims sent the unsuspecting country gents into turmoil with unprecedented displays of so-called “ability” and “skill”.

All seemed normal initially, with an obviously hungover Ming surrendering his wicket sharply, but Daisy let the cat out of the bag by heading into double figures. Tesco attempted to hide the truth by achieving a sneaky duck before Penthouse and Bully Jr each raced to their 50s.

Pirates

The Pirates now unmasked, and all sense of subterfuge gone, they headed to the teatime deadline swatting all before them, only Kommander and Moggie bothering to throw their wickets away.

At tea Daisy attempted to pull the wool over the hosts eyes by gorging both early and late to earn the first “double-llama” of the season.

Horror

The full horror of the deceit that had been wrought was revealed at the beginning of the second innings. The traditionally toothless attack was led on this occasion by actual bowlers. Tipple and Whippet, and especially Clarence and Persil, kept taking wickets. A stumping (!), a run out (!!) and catches held (!!!).

With the home side now twisting in the wind the Pilgrims’ bouyant Kommander made a first bowling appearance of the season and chipped in with two maidens. Cue much scratching of Oakley heads and comments of: “Well, they look like the normal lot...”

Beers

Oakley all out for 85, a Pilgrims victory margin of 147. Beers were taken, hands were shaken and smirks were hidden as the new Bully boys returned to Camp Tabard with the famous old trophy retained – and wondering how to do that every week.

Man of the match: Bully Jr

Court Martial chair: Kommader

Fines levied: £24.50

WE SAY

Has the great old game really come to this?

What kind of world is it where the Tabard Pilgrims can assault the leafy Hampshire countryside and behave like half-decent cricketers?

We only hope that all who were part of this unseemly display can look at themselves in the mirror today.

Still – good on yer for bringing the Cinders back again lads!