“It’s ten a.m. and here are the main headlines... Fidel Castro, president of Cuba, is in hospital this morning sparking concerns over his health. Many fear this could bring further instability to the region.”

I hit the alarm, the radio goes dead.

Thirty degrees in the shade and humid. At base camp, the Colonel is pensive, observing his men consuming various foods and liquids to banish the extravagances of the previous night.

Meanwhile across town at London Zoo it’s Ginger Day. All ginger haired people get in for free to celebrate the arrival of their new monkey (who also happens to be ginger).

At Hampton Court the heat is becoming a concern: “It’s bloody hot” by no means describes the severity of the situation – certainly we don’t want to field first if we could possibly avoid it.

Penthouse calls correctly and promptly puts us in the field. I tell you, the man will be the death of me.

We begin brightly; Tipple bounds down his line, releases “a juicy one” and removes their opening bat in the first over. Hansie and Tipple bowl well, limiting the Legbreakers early on, but we are playing a 40-over game and our bowlers are allowed eight overs each – maybe we should have brought some disguises?

Eventually Hansie dazzles their number two and clean bowls him. McFly, replacing the sweating Tipple, quickly dispatches their next bat for eight – caught with a little skip and a jump by Penthouse in the slips, as he tries to protect his damaged knee.

Then, nonchalantly, up steps a small figure to take guard. I knew at once that I recognized the swine. It was Pilgrim Marcus, playing for the opposition. Well I didn’t like it one bit and I told him so! At every possible opportunity!

Thankfully the Colonel sprang to life and removed the turncoat for two, taking both bails off in the process (that’s very good, according to his lordship, but who am I to comment?) As Marcus passed me by, he was muttering... something about the fact that he could have spent the day in London Zoo and would not have had to pay to get in!

Time passes. The sun beats down and the opposition refuses to fall. Bully continues the attack but is let down by the visibly tiring fielding. A couple of catches missed, one notably by Hansie, who looked into the sun for a moment, went blind and tried to finish off this complicated manoeuvre by catching the ball with his chin. Less is more Hansie, less is more.

Two hours in the field in this terrible heat had sapped our strength and the Legbreakers started to score freely. Juan, Pilco and Penthouse tried to rally the troops but as I looked up into the sky I could see the vultures circling. This was NOT the way I wanted to go! Not to have my eyes pecked out of my lifeless corpse as I lay, gasping, on the wicket! DAMN THEIR EYES!

Chris comes in to bowl three overs and quickly attempts to take Marcus’s record of 12 balls in one over but only manages nine. Close but no cigar. Bully, however, changed his line and produced a “tempter” which slipped off the bat and into Mcfly’s sticky little mitt. Ten minutes later, Penthouse, leading from the front, “shimmied” in from the outfield to run out another contender: very gallant but ruined his knee in the process.

Times became desperate and Seedie said something no-one else could quite hear, resulting in Sutherland being caught next ball off the grinning Hansie.

Tipple is brought back. ‘Just get them out,’ offers Penthouse. Stiff words of motivation, and by the time Tipple is “retired” two more wickets have fallen.

Finally the Legbreakers are 264 for nine and the Pilgrims have one hell of a task to turn this one around.

Teatime is quiet. I slip off to the changing rooms to splash some cold water on my face but stop suddenly as I round a corner to overhear the Colonel speaking Spanish to a “foreign gentleman.” “Revolution,” “Castro” and “the Republic of Bolivia” was all I could understand. In fear for my life I hurried back to my Swiss roll, but I had lost my appetite. How the Colonel has time to play cricket and orchestrate a coup in Cuba is beyond me but I think it does explain his agitated mood.

We returned to bat, but despite the delightful presence of the cheerleaders and pom-pom dancers, Daisy and Bully were quickly removed followed by Pilco who made nine and Seedie, bowled for eight. Were the Pilgrims looking at humiliation or could they pull something out of the fire? Well, up stepped the injured Penthouse to steady the buffs and he immediately struck up a good partnership with Chris. Penthouse finishes with 101no but Chris falls to a hamstring injury and is forced to retire on 40. Tipple manages 18no and we finish with 206 for five.

A final thought: To lose one player to a leg injury may be regarded as a misfortune; but to lose two looks like carelessness.

Viva La Revolucion!

Man of the Match: Penthouse

Fines levied: £25.50

Presiding: Capt. Pilco