10.30am: Daisy phones Xero to ask if he will drive to Greenford. Daisy unaware that coach hire firms require payment and deposit.

12 noon: All arrive at Tabard – Starfish! Babe!!

12.30pm: Pammers does head count, goes home. (To work – mission accomplished, thanks. ed)

12.40: Depart for Aldworth.

12.50: Drive past Tabard.

1.00: Stuck in back street crime scene. U-turn.

2.00: Arrive Aldworth – Judge!!!

2.00-2.40: Jugs of mild in the most beautiful pub garden on earth.

2.40: Cricket breaks out. Pilgrims field.

2.50: Daisy appears, unchanged, smoking pipe.

2.40-5.00: Innings of Aldworth. Pilgrims, captained splendidly by Penthouse, use NINE bowlers. Tipple, Starfish and Xero take wickets; Tipple, Hansie and Moggie take catches. Some pretty ropey bowling allows the under-strength hosts to proceed to 131 for nine at tea with their octogenarian number 11 unbeaten on 19. Good show.

4.00: Drinks break – jugs of mild on the boundary.

5.00-5.30: Tea. Excellent as ever. Accompanied by jugs of mild.

5.30-7.15: Innings of Pilgrims. Some of our batsmen seem to be out of sorts for some reason. Judge, Bully, Tris and Penthouse all fail to get very far. Pilgrims four for 19. Enter the Pilco, enter the Starfish. By turns circumspect and belligerent. Pilco 58 not out, Starfish 44 not out.

7.15: Pilgrims win by six wickets with seven overs to spare.

7.30: Jugs of mild in the best pub garden on earth.

7.45: Court, Judge presiding. Obviously having missed the opportunity to gouge his team mates for cash so far this season, the Judge sets about all heartlessly. Fines for such crimes as bleeding, being hairy and upsetting donkeys are handed down.

8.00-11.30: Jugs of mild in the best pub on earth (bar one). Your reporter has to confess that at some point he was overcome by the occasion and therefore cannot comment on all that may have occurred during the evening... lucky Moggie – very, very lucky.

Man of the Match: Starfish

Fines levied: £26 (every penny of which was spent on jugs of mild).

Presiding: His Honour Judge Judge

(Editor’s note: The headline, I am assured, will be understood by everyone who was there, which, of course, is not the point of a headline, which should be understood immediately by all and then be supported by the copy. However, being the foolishly democratic editor that I am, I have let it stand. No charge for the lesson in basic journalism.)