We had a plan for the day that very nearly came together: wallop Warfield, England sweep the Kiwis in the Test series, enjoy a barbie (courtesy of our hosts) and relax in the Warfield clubhouse watching England hammer the Frenchies.

So close...

Started well – everyone arrived promptly and we made it to Warfield with plenty of time in hand.

Penthouse won the toss and inserted them. A spy had told him their batting confidence was low following recent poor performances and he wanted to take advantage. Amazingly, his thinking worked and we had reduced them to 20 for four in no time.

Xero was clearly still feeling the effects of whatever performance enhancing drugs he had picked up in Morocco and had the numbers two and three out (the former courtesy of a rank long hop that the batsman obligingly top-edged to Tris at first slip). Tipple, although his radar was a little awry, managed to get at least two straight which accounted for the numbers one and four. Again, the opening attack was lethal; again, both were promptly given grazing duties.

Hanse came on and bowled an impressive unbroken stint of 12 overs. At the other end, a succession of Pilgrims kept him company – none more entertaining than Marcus L, whose first over might possibly have set a new Pilgrims record for its duration: 12 balls in all, including four wides and two no-balls. You just can’t teach that. His line improved but no wickets came his way. Bully replaced him and was rewarded for his spell of guile and cunning with a wicket.

At the other end, Hanse was giving a master class. However, it was the catching of Penthouse which gave him his two wickets. You’d be hard-pressed to see a better effort than his first which saw him diving fully airborne to his right at short mid-off to snag one-handed a firmly hit shot – catch of the season looks in the bag already.

Juan came on at the other end and delivered a succession of ‘arm-balls’ that, amazingly, saw him bag a brace.

We had taken wickets regularly. A mini-revival had added 43 for the sixth wicket, but when Tipple took the last wicket, a sharp catch by Xero at point, Warfield were 126 all out. Surely gettable.

Tea was taken and then Daisy and Bully strode out to open the batting. Warfield’s opening bowlers were pretty keen. Daisy got a lovely yorker which saw him go for two while Bully defended well for a while but was still on nought when, seeing some width, he mis-timed his drive and was caught at point.

Penthouse joined Marcus in the middle, but it was not long before the latter was also trudging back to the pavilion with six to his name and the Pilgrims 15 for three – a parlous state of affairs.

But things changed. Kommander Krauch came in, the opening bowlers were finally removed from the attack and Penthouse and Krauchie got down to work. The Kommander, in particular, was looking to attack and having played themselves in, the pair of them batted together quite beautifully. They added 103, Krauchie smacking some big sixes that landed in the gardens and car parks of various nearby hostelries, whilst Penthouse went about his business in a more measured way.

The Kommander finally fell for 63 with the score on 118. Penthouse supplied the winning runs soon after – he ended 42 not out – and the Pilgrims were victorious for the second week in a row.

In the meantime, England had beaten the Kiwis so, you can see, everything was still going to plan.

The barbie was roaring and we settled down to watch the finale of the day. I could take you through the highs and lows again, but that would be too hard on us all. Suffice to say: “THAT BLOODY HESKEY IS AN UNCOORDINATED LUMP,“ and: “WHAT THE **** DID GERRARD THINK HE WAS DOING?!?”

On a high note, we did manage to make the Tabs for last orders and it’s Aldworth next week, one of our best fixtures of the year. There’s more to life than sodding football, thank God!

Fines levied: £21

Presiding: Constitutionalist Xero