We had a premonition that Ashtead would prove stiff opposition.

So imagine our consternation when finding out, at the Tabard, that *fish was unavailable due to a combination of the previous night’s curry and baby colic – not a good start to the day.

However, thanks to the invention of the mobile phone, an extremely hung-over Frodo was persuaded to play. At least we were back to 11 men.

It was agreed that Ashtead should bat first, starting at almost exactly 2pm. Their openers were a 16-year-old Surrey junior and Mr Piini, a professional cricketer from New Zealand. (He returns home on September 15 and resumes playing professional cricket on October 1).

Fortunately the scorebook does not relate the details of the Pilgrims bowling. Suffice it to say that Ashtead started scoring at five or six an over and then accelerated. The youngster scored 50 before being caught behind by Penthouse off Hansie at the second (or was it third?) attempt.

This brought in Mr Sidwell, the Ashtead 2nd XI captain/opener who had obviously played a lot of 1st XI cricket. (Ashtead 1st XI are in the second division out of nine in the Surrey Cricket League).

Messrs Hiini and Sidwell continued to enjoy themselves at the expense of the Pilgrims attack until Hansie clean bowled the Kiwi for 107.

Curly was put on to bowl the 29th over. The new batsman, Mr Patel, played a rather ineffectual shot to the first ball but scored a single. This brought Mr. Sidwell on strike – Sidwell versus Rodwell. The next five balls, which were all pitched outside the off stump, were all struck for 6 over the mid-wicket/square leg boundary where Bully (and Pammers! – ed.) was fielding/retrieving.

RODWELL 1-0-31-0. What more needs to be said?

After the mayhem, Frodo bowled a tidy over for a single and then Juan caught and bowled Mr Sidwell for 76 – he must have been confused by the pace.

Ashtead declared on the dot of 4pm with a score of 257 for three off 30.3 overs in under two hours at a rate of 8.43 runs per over. Two interesting facts about Mr Sidwell’s innings: he only had to run eight of his 76 runs and his last seven scoring strokes were all sixes (so Curly wasn’t the only Pilgrim bowler to suffer the onslaught).

Now the good news – tea. As well as the usual sandwiches and cakes, Ashtead provided hot dogs, bacon butties and strawberries all of which were consumed with relish.

Confident of victory, (yeah, right. Ed) the Pilgrims opened with Daisy and Hansie. It was a steady opening partnership, the first runs off the bat coming in the fourth over – a splendid (off drive?) boundary by Hansie. Progress was slow to the extent that Hansie had to buy a jug for facing 20 successive dot balls.

Wickets started to fall – Daisy for a stylish duck, Hansie for his boundary and then Penthouse to a fine catch for three. Cus Cus then put on 26 with Pammers. Cus Cus’s 36 was comfortably the Pilgrims’ highest score, Pammers got a creditable 11 and Juan an excellent 17. Whisper was the only other batsman to trouble the scorer with two not out.

Ashtead used six bowlers, not all of them in their usual mode. For example, the Kiwi normally opens their bowling but on this occasion bowled two overs of leg spin. Mr Anderson enjoyed himself with figures of 6-3-7-5.

At one point, the Pilgrims had scored 49 off 20 overs. At this rate of progress, it would have taken them 105 overs to score the 258 needed for victory. This prompted Curly the scorer to ask: “What are we playing – 20 overs after midnight?”

We eventually scored 92 all out but at least used up six or seven of the last 20 overs.

They turned out to be a very friendly bunch after the game (wouldn’t you be after such a comprehensive victory?) but are leagues above our standard. What do you expect when they run five teams and have 130 colts? Apparently Betty and Kraachie were originally responsible for the fixture. No wonder neither was available for the game.

One final observation: Ashtead also play the Lashings, the Kent pub team who regularly feature Test cricketers such as Brian Lara and Jimmy Adams. Hansie is arranging to get a copy of their fixture poster which features “Tabard Pilgrims” only a few entries below “The Lashings”.

(Editor’s note: I believe it was Mr Sidwell who told us after the game that we weren’t the worst side to visit. However, I’m not sure if anyone got the names of the sides who figure below us so we can play them! For a debate about the quality of club we play, see the Bulletin Board).