In a field far, far away from Chiswick…

The camera pans out from the Astroturf pitch to reveal 22 men standing around drinking beer and smoking.

Penthouse:

“OK guys, here’s the batting line up.”

Camera moves in to see all 11 names of greatness.

Voice Over:

“With a line up like that Marble Hill must be sh**ting it, especially with the mulligan first ball, LBW issues and a retire at 30 rule for both teams.”

Camera pulls out to reveal the 2 teams and umpires striding out to the middle.

Frodo:

“Come on Fingers, let’s show them what we’re made of.”

Fingers:

“Bet you £20 I get to 30 before you do!”

Camera cuts to behind the bowler’s arm as he storms in for the first ball and pitches 5 yards outside off stump with Frodo wildly attempting to cut it.

Umpire:

“Wide ball.”

Camera cues fast cricket montage of 8 dropped catches, massive sixes from various players, a miserable looking Penthouse walking back to the boundary, many Pilgrims retiring from scoring 30, Clarence killing a small dog. Lots of close ups of the opposition and umpires drinking, smoking and general merriment. Ends with a close up on the scorebook. 249 for 7 off 30 overs.

Penthouse:

“Great job lads, now get stuck in to the lunch before we get out there and rattle them out for under 150.”

Camera pulls back to reveal a pile of classic sandwiches, cakes, biscuits and more beer laid out on the grass, surrounded by small kids playing ball games.

Penthouse:

“Right guys, let’s get together, we know that bowling was their weak point so keep busy in the field everyone and don’t let this slip.”

Fast montage of Whippet, Bumpy, Clarence, Kommander, Cus Cus, Egon and Juggs steaming in with pace, wickets and guile, some dropped catches and some taken and a great run out. We see the opposition smashing some decent boundaries. Ends with a close up of the scorebook (surrounded by fag butts and empty beer bottles). 193 all out in 28.2 overs.

Pilgrims Team:

“Great game, thanks lads, 3 cheers for Marble Hill.”

Camera cuts to both teams and wives waving ‘channel 4 banners’ and cricket bats under lots of bunting in Bollywood style with banging Bangra beats in the background.
This fades and leads to credits.

Penthouse	–	Director
Juggs	–	Screenplay
Kommander	–	Producer
Frodo	–	Editor
Fingers	–	Music
Clarence	–	Costumes
Egon	–	Effects
Cus Cus	–	Best Boy
Bumpy	–	Gaffer
Warrior	–	Stunts
Whippet	–	Art Director