Over the years many methods have been tried to get a consistent, efficient and victorious performance out of the disparate group that roll up at HQ on game day mornings. On Saturday Bumpy cracked it.

Following the usual search for players and pleas to friends and families, 11 pitched up (that’s a good idea by the way, pun intended) at the Tabard and had to be introduced to each other: “That’s Pilco, he’s just back from Nigeria. This is Ming – we haven’t seen him for ages – and this is Richard Jones.” Bumpy introduced Richard as “My cousin Richard” so often that he was nicknamed Vinnie (after the film). When we discovered his surname was Jones, the glue set.

Heavens

All set for a day of cricket... so the heavens opened.

Bumpy was clearly taking his first chance to captain very seriously, and has obviously been watching Michael Vaughan and others. A pre-game huddle took place, no doubt inspiring words were said – possibly prompted by Frodo’s bulletin board rallying call:

Churchill gave me the inspiration for this one boys. We shall be victorious! We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in cricket whites, we shall fight in the nets and in warm-ups, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength with the bat and with the ball. We shall defend our wicket, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the pitches, we shall fight on the cricket grounds, we shall fight on flat or hard wickets, we shall fight in Cranbourne – we shall never surrender. And even if, which I do not for one moment believe, this cricket team or a large part of it were bowled out or leg before, then our cricketers beyond the square, armed and guarded by a pint of British ale, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the Tabard Pilgrims, with all their power and might, step forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

These were the carrots, the stick was to be a mandatory fine for any batsman not achieving double figures.

Astonishing

Cranbourne batted and were quickly off to the slowest start seen against a Pilgrims attack for a long time, but it was the astonishing over rate (yes, I’m fully aware that this sounds awfully dull but there is a point coming, bear with me.) that was the clue to the new tactics. Twenty-one overs in the first hour is a lot and means, apart from not having to go far to find the ball very often, fielders were staying where they were put and not being moved around all the time by the captain(s), bowlers or just to find some shade. Astonishing.

Ming had a good game behind the stumps, Omelette and Whippet had likely career-best bowling figures, some fine catches were taken, a couple of poor drops were giggled at, one really ridiculous LBW appeal was shouted down and the Pilgrims used eight bowlers to get Cranbourne all out in 45 overs by tea.

Tea: Pretty good, nice sarnies, 7/10.

Fillip

The target of just over 100 was never going to be enough so Pilco gave our hosts a fillip by chucking his wicket away in the first over.

Bumpy missed a straight one and gave Xero the opportunity to give someone out for the first time as a qualified umpire.

Gussie was too classy for the Cranbourne bowlers and made his 50 on the same ball that won the Pilgrims the match.

Fines were meted out with judge Pilco presiding and all present relished the first Pilgrims victory of the season.

Man of the Match: Gussie