It would seem that the days of surgical stockings and pile cream are well behind the ’Grims for this season as we, yet again, paraded an array of boyish good looks for the joustabout that is the annual sojourn to Marlow Park.

With the opposition declining the opportunity to field their own under-12 side, as is their wont, the stage was set for a sterling afternoon of stroke play on a dry, flat wicket basking under blue skies.

Needless to say, however, West London’s finest took it upon themselves to make a mockery of the conditions and surrendered their wickets with a dereliction to duty not seen since King Alfred overcooked that infamous batch of chocolate cup cakes.

Indeed rumours of the Penthouse-led ’Grims being on a collective promise with the Dallas Cowgirls, on the proviso that their innings ended before 3.30, were soon permeating amongst the hordes massing on the boundary.

73 all out.

Nice cheese and onion sandwiches but judgement is reserved on the minty Penguins.

So, cocky as you like, out swaggered the bruisers from Marlow who then proceeded to get the fright of their lives as the Pups ripped into them with a verve usually the preserve of baying females at an Englebert Humperdinck concert. Scraping home with five wickets to spare, Marlow knew they’d been mauled and with a little divine intervention the outcome may have been very different.

Rather nicely and with a few hours to spare on a weekend blessed with sporting excess, the skippers decided on a nine-over, everybody-bowls thrash, that, thrilling from the first delivery, saw the ’Grims notch 84 and Marlow sneak home with three balls to spare.

No-one could remember a younger Pilgrims side and long may it reign. But in a moment of reflection one could not help but wonder if this was day that saw Pedigree Bitter, Andy’s kebabs and the Sunday Times condemned as the poisons of choice amongst the ’Grims. Alco-pops, sherbet dib-dabs and breast-laden comics now seem destined to rule the roost, which, come to think of it, is not such a bad thing! Is it?

Now where are those pesky Cowgirls?

The Puppies were: Penthouse, Alex, Chris, Tris, Ian, Hughie, Marcus with cameos from Colonel Juan, Moggie, Daisy and Pilco.

Man of the Match: Ian

Fines levied: £28.00

Court martial president: Capt. Pilco

Concerned ed’s note: What’s this? The judiciary and the Fourth Estate one and the same? Shurely shome mishtake!